"I always knew I'd look back at the times I cried, and laugh...but I never thought I'd look back at the times I laughed, and cry."

"Change is never easy. You fight to hold on. You fight to let go." ~The Wonder Years~

You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him."

"You can't stay mad at someone who makes you laugh." ~Jay Leno~

"If you should die before me ask if you could bring a friend." ~Stone Temple Pilots~

"How far we travel in life matters far less than those we meet on the way."

"A real friend is a person who, when you've made a fool of yourself, helps you forget it." ~Unknown~

"Eat shit!- Ten billion flies can't be wrong."

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

“Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.”

"Beer, helping white guys dance since 1842"

If the good Lord had intended us to walk he wouldn't have invented roller-skates.
~Willy Wonka~

I'm not normally a religious man, but if you're up there, save me, Superman! ~Homer~

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

"If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy

"Don't take life seriously because you can't come out of it alive." ~Bugs Bunny~

"Enjoy life. There's plenty of time to be dead."

“Always laugh when you can.
It is cheap medicine.”

"A person knows he has found his true love when they call that person and say: Honey, I just killed someone. And that persons response is where do we hide the body?"

"The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough.
It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it?
A Death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You
should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home.
You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch and you go to
work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your
retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you
get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you
play, you have no responsibilities. You become a little baby, you go back
into the womb, spend your last nine months floating...and you
finish off as an orgasm."